deep think. simple say.

Flashback to when I thought I loved you. And yet, today, my love grows for you still. Day by day.  You still give me butterflies with a simple look, even after nearly 4 years together.... I think from the first moment I saw you I felt some force, greater than ourselves, “pulling” me to you. Some days I’m overwhelmed with gratitude that God put you in my path for us to meet again. Because I truly believe I loved you long before 2014.  I’m so crazy stupid in love with you Rathen J. Always have been, always will be. But probably even more tomorrow than I do today and today is even greater than yesterday.... I know I can be hard to live with and the past two years have been hard, because of my health.  You’ll never truly know the depth of the guilt I feel over that... but the only thing I hope you can ALWAYS know is how much you mean to me and how much you DO for me, even within the simplest of gestures.  It’s true that we don...

Her cherry red paint job is only as red as the blood that pumps through our heart as we push down the gas pedal, all the way to the floor, just to get rolling along. After the surgery, her fixed power steering only endeared us more. More than just a way of transportation, Sheila was and always will be a fighter-and a lover. In the immortalized words of Billy Joel "And she'll take what you give her as long as it's free. Yeah, she steals like a thief but she's always a woman to me." Credit Given and Written: Adam Smith, September 8, 2017

Im broken. And everyone knows it. I hold back the dam that threatens to overflow everyday. I have to be strong. To say I'm fine, when clearly I'm not. I hate being "that" girl. The girl who holds others back. My whole life was built on pulling people up. On making everyone around me better and to help them find a higher version of themselves. Not anymore. I can feel myself holding my husband back, holding my family back, holding myself back. And I wish I could ask for help. Really, I do. Because I would. I would ask for help, if I knew what they'd do would actually help. I want to be better. I dream of being better or being "whole" again. Of not feeling pain for one whole day. They ask if they can help but I don't know. How could they? I hardly understand myself, how could they?  No one understands. No one can ever understand. It's not like the flu...  someone can truly KNOW how it feels to have the flu. They can literally empathize with you...

When everything seems like it's falling apart, that's when God is putting things back together, just the way he wants it. This is where we start our comeback. I will spend no more time asking God why doors have been closed... because I'll be too busy praising God for doors that are about to open. And so it was... that she, having waited long and endured patiently, realized and obtained what God had promised. - Hebrews 6:15 If it doesn't open, it's not a door. God's timing is perfect. Written: April 19, 2017

I hurt  And I'm always tired Inside and out I'm tired of being sick and left out  I'm tired of being a default choice  I'm tired of resenting family  I'm tired of not being taken care of  I'm tired of feeling like an inconvenience  I'm tired of trying sooo hard to get attention  I'm tired of trying to feel wanted  I'm tired of feeling like I'm not the girl for you  I'm tired of trying to convince myself I am  I'm tired of trying to be the girl I think you want  I'm tired of saying I'm fine when I'm clearly not  I'm tired of being unhappy  I'm tired of feeling alone in a full room  I'm tired of being alone in a marriage  I'm tired of supporting constantly and getting no support in return  I'm tired of the pain squeezing my heart daily  I'm tired of sobbing alone in bed  I'm tired of being this me  I'm tired of life  I'm just tired.  ...